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| MPAD - It Could Happen To You |
By:
Lori S. Anton |
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While watering scarlet runners growing along the fence that separates my back yard from the neighbor's pasture, I could not help but smile. The calves were at it again, butting heads with one another and acting just plain rowdy. What a delightful sight! Suddenly, the sun shone brighter, the air smelled sweeter, and a general sense of well-being filled my soul.
I have always enjoyed the antics of critters. Taking the time to enjoy the company of feathers and fur friends is medicinal for me; a good remedy for battling the daily stresses of today's fast-paced life. My husband, however, considers my intense love for animals a type of psychosis. He expresses empathy for other men who must tolerate this predominantly female "affliction" which he has dubbed Multiple Pet Acquisition Disorder (MPAD).His diagnosis for my fascination with wildlife does not bother me one bit. In fact, I'm of the opinion one must be willing to laugh at oneself---pay back can wait. That being the case I have, tongue-in-cheek, composed the following bulletin: An increasing number of men are finding themselves battling an espousal problem that plays havoc with the home oasis, and sanity, as well.While most men arrive home at the end of the work day only to be asked, "Guess what I did today," these men are not so fortunate. Questions they must endure run more along the lines of, "Oh, honey, guess what ate out of my hand today" or, "You'll never guess what came right up to me while I was weeding the garden!"Every bit as paralyzing as an unexpected IRS audit from Attila the Hun, the effects of such questions are immediate: air hisses through the eardrums, palms get sweaty, and eyes dart nervously about in search of the "thing" he desperately hopes won't be found. Another pet!There is scientific evidence a growing number of women are being torn asunder by a beastly affliction called MPAD - Multiple Pet Acquisition Disorder. MPAD, a rapidly progressive condition, usually strikes victims during mid-life. Early symptoms are hard to diagnose as they often masquerade as a harmless interest in soft, cuddly animals.Before long, however, the problem escalates and pet-a-mania sets in: dogs wear sweaters, cats dine from lead crystal, and parakeets romp on elaborate miniature jungle gym sets. When left unchecked full-blown MPAD is likely to develop, and the house begins to resemble a barnyard with curtains.MPAD can lay dormant for years only to emerge under the most innocent of circumstances. For instance, after children have the audacity to grow up and leave home to selfishly begin lives of their own, the house can appear to have extra space. When rearranging the furniture doesn't help many women panic. The home still looks, feels, and sounds vacant. In an attempt to avoid the dreaded empty nest syndrome, an alternative is quickly sought.It is only a matter of time before the idea of bringing a new family member into the home is considered. But, mid-life for most women isn't the best time to think of reviving the propagation process - regardless if the oven still works.It is at this point the idea of adopting another family pet seems a reasonable solution. But, things quickly get out of hand, and before long husbands find themselves with a problem too big to handle alone.Support groups for sufferers of MPAD are almost nonexistent, materials and books on the subject not yet vogue. One reason is that MPAD is still essentially a "closet" problem. Recent surveys indicate most women find it difficult to admit they even have a problem, while the husband's basic difficulty rests in simply saying "NO!" to another pet.Desperate to regain a sense of normality in the home, and the freedom to walk across the living room without the crunch of birdseed or squeak toys underfoot, men are searching for productive ways to fight the MPAD malady.In an effort to help identify the early warning signs of MPAD, the following 15 symptoms have been observed:1. An unconscious tendency to gravitate toward any pet store with the claim, "I only want to look."2. A tendency to spend large amounts of time in the pet department of Walmart, "just looking."3. An inability to resist stuffed animal displays and subsequent purchases, despite the fact there are no children at home.4. Spends considerable amounts of time outside in the yard talking to birds, squirrels, and other small animals.5. Denies there is a rodent problem and hides all mousetraps after viewing Stewart Little.6. Has an unnatural urge to watch 101 Dalmatians 3 to 4 times a week.7. Consistently turns up missing at county and state fairs only to be found at the petting zoo area.8. Is on a first name basis with every pet owner - and pet - in town.9. Exhibits baby talk whenever animals are present.10. Insists on a moment of silence before casting a live-baited hook into the water.11. Becomes incensed when rats, mice, and grackles are referred to as "pests."12. Dog biscuits, birdseed, and unsalted raw peanuts replace potato chips, M & M's, and Snicker bars in the family pantry.13. Water dishes replace drinking glasses.14. Meal courses take on a whole new meaning. Instead of "1st , 2nd, and 3rd course," they become courses "for the squirrel," "for the deer," and "for the birds."15. Insists that the likenesses of Dr. Doolittle and Dr. James Harriot be added to Mount Rushmore.© Lori S. Anton, Writers Write NowLori S. Anton is a published writer with 30 yrs. experience, and founder of Writers Write Now, providing unique content, SEO content, and free content. With a passion for creative writing, Lori has learned to exploit the effectiveness of engaging titles, crafting interesting content that holds the reader's interest. She resides in Wyoming with her husband, Jeff, and diabetic canine darling, Muffy. Click here for Lori's free content.
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